Shattered Hopes
by Lyrical.Laughter
Summary: AKA: Don't Wanna be Alone Tonight. Zander is supposedly killed and Emily deals with its affects but when she moves on and he returns can she handle it? Takes place in April of 2001
1. Falling

Disclaimer: I am making no money from this story and the characters do not belong me to me. 

A/N: Thank you for taking the time to at least look at this story, it was written quite a long time ago but I hope it is still enjoyable. This takes place towards the beginning of the Zander and Emily relationship, after he kidnapped her and rescued her from boarding school and after they began their relationship. Zander is living with Alexis and Sorel is still after him. That's about it! 

She was knocked to the floor as the explosion rocked the gas station. She could feel shards of glass hit her back as the windows exploded and she felt pain but it was nothing compared to the terror. Dread and fear filled her as she waited for the horrible ringing in her ears to stop. When everything was quiet, deathly quiet, she quickly got up and ran to the large now glassless window in the front of the gas station. Fear choked her as she watched as her car was in flames, this wasn't happening…it couldn't be happening. Her hands gripped the windowsill and she felt shards of glass sink into her palms but she didn't care, she couldn't feel the pain anymore.   
"No," she whispered to herself, willing God or whoever was listening to take back this one moment and erase it so it never happened, but the world didn't work that way. She could vaguely hear the manger of the gas station on the phone with the police or something but her eyes were on the inferno, her heart was in the inferno. The flames that had engulfed her car reached towards the heavens, taking her love with them. She wasn't going to let this happen. Before she knew what she was doing she ran out the door. She heard the manager tell her to stop, something about the gas but she didn't care because her heart was in that fire and if he died there was no reason for her to ever care about anything. She looked through the flames, frantically searching for any sign of him, she screamed his name over and over again until her throat was raw and the very air around her seemed to echo with her cries. She prepared herself to run head long into the flames not caring if she was burned to her death as long as he lived, if only he lived. She neared the flames and she could feel the warmth, the heat of it and she wanted to feel it burn her flesh but then she heard another explosion and her body was flown backward and she sank into sweet oblivion where nothing hurt and she could pretend that this was all a horrible dream.  
  
Emily slowly opened her eyes and took in her surroundings. She was in a nice soft bed, it had all been a dream, just a nightmare, everything was okay…Zander was okay. Any minute now he would come into the room with his roguish smile and he would kiss her and everything would be okay, nothing would hurt anymore as long as he was here and she was in his arms. Out of the corner of her eye she saw movement, it was Zander, she told herself feverently. She quickly sat up and held her head as pain engulfed her, this wasn't right, she wasn't supposed to be hurting, she was fine, Zander was fine….why was Carly sitting on the bed beside her with a wet cloth in her hand? Emily made herself look down, her mind took in her soot covered clothes her bandaged hands but her heart couldn't believe it.   
"No," she said quietly, feeling as if her soul was trying to burst out of her body.   
"NO!" she repeated loudly as a sobs over took her body, this wasn't right, it wasn't supposed to be like this. She was filled with a pain so horrible that she didn't trust her heart to keep beating or her lungs to keep supplying her with air. Nothing was real, this was a nightmare and she'd wake up.  
Emily felt Carly put her arms around her as she cried. Carly… why was she there? She asked herself again. She suddenly felt tired and weary and she laid back. A cool cloth was placed over her forehead and she closed her eyes, wishing she would never open them.  
  
She woke up again and this time she knew that she wasn't safe in her bed, waking up from a nightmare that she would tell Zander and they'd both have a good laugh…this was real. It was dark and she couldn't see anything, everything was so dark. It was almost like the darkness swallowed her. She could vaguely hear voices, muffled coming from somewhere. She slowly got up and there was a dull ache in her head. She found a light switch and looked around Sonny and Carly's room. She looked down and realized she wasn't wearing her clothes, they must be Carly's. A small part of her wondered how she'd gotten there but the rest of her didn't really care. She quietly opened the door and walked into the hallway, her bare feet hit the carpet beneath her. She directed her way to the stairs and stopped as the voices became clear.  
"-she knows?" finished a voice she thought was Sonny's.  
"I got there before the police did, no one could have survived that and Emily was unconscious about 40 feet away. I don't know if she remembers what happened or not," said Jason, he sounded tired.  
"She woke up a couple hours ago, I think she remembers, she started crying, you sure Zander's dead?" asked Carly.  
"I'm sure, I had to talk to Taggart about it, they found a body, what was left of one-"  
Emily wavered on her feet and put her hand over her mouth to keep herself screaming or sobbing, or both, she couldn't decide. So it was true, he was gone… forever. She tried not to cry, he was gone, he wasn't coming back, she couldn't change that, she would never kiss him— her thoughts were cut off as Sonny walked up the steps and when he saw her he stopped.  
"Emily," he said softly.  
Emily did her best to control her emotions, regardless of the metallic taste that filled her mouth as she bit the inside of her lip. "I heard everything, Zander… Zander's dead?" she hated herself for saying it out loud, it made it so much more real.  
"Yeah, I'm sorry," said Sonny putting a hand on her shoulder.  
Emily sank to the ground, she heard Jason come up the stairs and she felt him help her up and to the couch. "Does Alexis know about…him yet?"  
"No, we can't get a hold of her," Jason replied.  
"I need to go over to her penthouse, I need to go to Zander's room." She didn't know why but she felt that she had to be there, she wanted to be close to him.  
"I'll have Johnny take you over," said Sonny as he opened the door and gave instructions to Johnny. Emily walked across the hall and into Alexis' Penthouse where Zander had been staying. It was dark but she found her way to the stairs.  
Emily walked through the empty hallway and to his room. She stood at the doorway for what seemed like hours, unable to go in, Zander would never come back here, he'd never lay in his bed at night thinking about her, they'd never sit there together talking. She had to lean against the doorframe, afraid that she wouldn't have the strength to stand. The moonlight was flittering in through the window, illuminating the room in a soft glow, she took one step inside, and then another. She looked at the neatly made bed, the stereo in the corner, the picture of her in a frame next to his bed. Her breath caught in her throat and she struggled to breathe fearing she would pass out. She walked over to his bed and pulled down the blankets and slowly slipped under them. She buried her face in his pillow and she could smell him but she didn't cry, she couldn't.  
Emily curled herself up into the fetal position and held tightly to the blanket. She was all alone and her life was falling apart before her very eyes and she didn't know if she'd ever be able to put it back together again.  



	2. The Next Day

Emily never went to sleep that night, her mind just stayed awake and wouldn't rest. She saw the explosion in her mind's eye every time her eye lids lowered in an attempt at sleep. She had a lot of time to think about it and she came to the conclusion that the bomb had obviously been under the car Sonny had lent her, she'd been driving it for more than a week so it was surely intended for Zander…or her. She spent hours blaming herself, she should have let him go into the gas station with her but she had left him in the car. Better yet they should have just walked. It was a nice early spring day, they could have easily just walked to the gas station, it hadn't been that far she had just wanted some fresh air, to feel the wind blowing through her hair and she insisted on the drive and now the only one that had ever really understood her was gone, he was dead and it was all because she wanted to take a stupid joy ride. She played out scenarios in her head, how they would have been so happy if they had never taken the car how they would walk back to Kelly's and hold hands and everything would be normal. 'Normal' that word sounded so foreign now.  
She also wondered if he had felt pain when he was killed, she tried to block that thought out of her head but she couldn't stop wondering if he had hurt, if he had been in agony. If he had had time to think about anything before death over took him. Did he think about her?   
She laid there thinking about it, reliving it over and over until she knew every detail of what happened, until she had memorized his face, his smiling face, how he had looked the last time they had seen each other. To try and keep her mind off of it she concentrated on her physical pain. Her back, she knew must have some small scratches from the glass, her bandaged hands that were sore, the goose egg on the back of her head and then the small burn on her arm. If she could only concentrate on that pain the rest would go away.  
She then heard Alexis, Sonny and Johnny, come into the penthouse downstairs and she listened as the conversation drifted upstairs. Alexis cried out as she heard the news, Emily closed her eyes trying to block it out, she wasn't going to cry because if she did she wouldn't stop. After a little while she heard Sonny and Johnny's voices fade and the door shut. She then listened as Alexis walked up the stairs and to her room. For awhile she heard Alexis crying and almost wanted to leave to give her privacy, almost, but then Alexis crying soon faded and it was all quiet, deathly quiet.  
She knew Zander was gone, she repeated it to herself trying to make herself believe it, but she kept hoping he would walk into the room with his lopsided grin and that dark lock of hair that fell to his brow. The one she loved to loving brush away. He would tell her there had been a mistake and that he loved her and wasn't going to leave her again. Love. For the first time she realized she had never told him that she loved him. Oh how she loved him, he had been so much to her, done so much for her and she had never told him how he had made her feel, what had been in her heart for so long. How every look and touch made her feel inside, how his kisses made her knees weak and every moment with him made her giddy inside. Those three words that made everything better, life so beautiful, only three words and she had never said them. Tears sprang to eyes but she forced them down as she buried her head in his pillow. She laid there for two more hours watching the clock hands slowly turn until it was seven-thirty A.M. She sat up in the bed and looked at the room and the soft glow of dawn started to seep into it. She went to his closet and opened it, she saw all of his clothes hanging there, clothes that he would never wear again. She looked at the suit Alexis had bought for the trial and slowly ran her hand over the smooth fabric. She could not stay here any longer.   
Emily put on a pair of his socks and then a pair of his shoes that didn't fit her at all. She then put on one of his flannels, made his bed and crept to the door. She slowly opened it and quietly walked down the stairs so she wouldn't disturb Alexis. She opened the door and walked to the elevator.  
"Ms. Quartermaine, do you want me to drive you home or call your brother, maybe you would like to talk to Mr. Corinthos?" asked Johnny, he was concerned about the youngest Quartermaine being alone when it was so obvious that she was in pain.  
"No, I want to walk, tell Carly I'll have her clothes back soon," said Emily as she looked down at the sweater and jeans.  
"All right, Ms. Quartermaine."  
Emily stepped into the elevator and waited as it went down. She walked to Kelly's as the sun slowly rose for a new day, a new beginning in a life without Zander.  
  
Emily looked through the window and squeezed her eyes shut as she glanced at Zander's stool. The one he would always sit at and keep her company while she worked. She breathed deeply telling herself there would be plenty lonely nights ahead for crying. She opened the door and was greeted by a gigantic hug from Elizabeth which made her flinch as Elizabeth touched her back. "I'm so sorry, Em. It was all over the news. I tried to find you and make sure you were okay," she said.  
"I will never be 'okay' and why are you sorry? It's not like you even cared about Zander," she wanted to lash out at someone and Elizabeth just happened to be there.  
"Em, I barley knew him."  
"And whose fault is that, Elizabeth? I feel sorry for you that you never got to know Zander he was so…" she closed her eyes again willing the tears not to fall. "He was so sweet and kind, he may have done some bad things but he was the one of the best people I've ever met. You were always down on him saying that he was no good, well let's not forget when you first you got here in Port Charles, you weren't a saint either."  
Emily walked up the stairs leaving Elizabeth staring after her, she just wanted to be alone. Emily got to her room and shut and locked the door. She sat on her bed having no idea what to do, what was she supposed to do when her life had just fallen apart around here, she just felt so empty inside. She pulled out her journal and got as far as writing the date, after that words just wouldn't come to here. What was she supposed to write? She wasn't even sure how she felt, how was she supposed to write about it?  
She'd been staring at the blank page trying to find words to explain the emptiness when there was a knock at the door. Sighing she got up and opened the door to see her mother standing there with worry written on her face. "Mom!" said Emily throwing her arms around Monica and burying her head in her shoulder yearning for her mother's soothing words. Monica led her daughter back over to the bed and wrapped her arms around her daughter as her heart broke.  
"I miss him so much," whispered Emily.  
"I know, I know, Em," said Monica as she soothingly smoothed Emily's hair.  
"I love him and he will never know," sobbed Emily trying desperately not to cry.  
"He knew and I know he loved you too. I could see it in the way he looked at you."  
"No one really took the time to know him, Mom. They all just made judgments instead of trying to understand him and getting to know him. Out of my whole family, you, and Grandmother really tried, he meant so much to me. I was there when the car exploded and all I wanted to do was walk into the fire and be with him but I couldn't. Why is everything falling apart, why does it have to hurt so much?" she said putting her hands over her face.  
"I don't know Em. You did get to spend a few precious moments with Zander and you will never forget them and you can cherish them forever. I would give anything to take all of this pain away."  
"Mom…do you think I could move back in? I just really need you and grandmother and I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be here with memories of him."  
"Sure Em," said Monica hugging her.  



	3. The Funeral

Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own any of the characters, enjoy! 

The next two days passed agonizingly slow. Emily moved back into the Quartermaine mansion refusing to see any of her friends and never shedding a tear, some part of her thought if she didn't cry then it wouldn't be real. Alexis visited her and they sat together, comforting each other. Emily had argued with Ned and her Grandfather, berating them for their treatment to Zander, lashing out. She held a grudge against anyone who had ever been mean to him. She knew she shouldn't blame all the people who disliked him but that didn't stop her from doing it.  
Three days after the explosion they had the funeral service of which Monica had paid for, there were wild flowers everywhere and candles lit the room setting off a soft glow everything looked so beautiful except the sad, tired, brown-eyed girl in the front. Emily sat there in a plain black dress and tried not to break down as the priest started with the ceremony. She didn't hear anything he was really saying because her mind was only on how much she missed Zander. In the last three days she had slept maybe five times but for no more than an hour because each hour of sleep ended in her waking up and screaming into her pillow. She only ate when she was forced to because somehow the sight of food nauseated her. If he was only there to take care of her. She was brought back to reality when it was time for her to go up and speak some words.  
Emily walked up to the pedestal and looked around the room, she saw her friends, Lucky, Elizabeth, Nikolas, with Gia. She saw Ned sitting with Alexis. Her family was towards the back. She saw Bobbie and Roy, Sonny and Carly. She saw Hannah and AJ sitting together. She looked over at Taggart and Mac and thought about how ironic it was that only a few short months ago they had wanted Zander in jail, even the death penalty for the murder he didn't commit. There were only a couple people other than herself who even liked Zander, Lila, Sonny, Roy and Alexis. Emily took a deep breath.  
"I want to thank all of you for coming although… I don't understand why half are you are here," she tried to keep the malice from her voice, her gaze lingering at her friends and then Mac and Taggart. "Zander was a such a good person. I know I've been saying that over and over and over since I came back after he kidnapped me but only a few of you understand that I was right. Some of you have called him a deviant," she said looking at her Grandfather, "a criminal," her gaze lingered on Taggart. "And a kidnapper. He may have been those things once but he changed. Everyone in this room has done something bad at one time or another and if we never forgot and forgave then we'd be calling each other things like liar, black-mailer, drug addict, adulterer, alcoholic, and God knows what else, and I know none of you would like me to call you these things and neither did Zander. He was so caring and sweet, he was everything any of you would want in a friend. He was loving and he would do anything, ANYTHING to help someone he cared about no matter what it cost him, even if it cost his freedom. I honestly regret that most of you never got to know him as anything more than a drug-dealing kidnapper but he was so much more than that and if in a few years all of you forget he ever existed there will be a few very lucky people that will always remember what a good impact knowing him made on our lives. Thank you," said Emily stepping down and receiving a hug from Alexis and her mother.   
Everyone cleared out of the room to give her some privacy as she sat in a pew just staring at the closed casket trying to grab a hold of her tight strung nerves to say goodbye. She felt Lila's hand on her shoulder and turned and smiled at her Grandmother.  
"Go say good bye to him, dear. It will make you feel better," said Lila soothingly and Emily thanked God that she had been taken into this family who loved her even if they didn't always show it in the best ways.  
Emily held Lila's hand gathering strength from the seemingly frail woman. "Thank you for being here Grandmother," said Emily kissing her on the cheek, when the room was empty Emily walked up to the closed casket.  
She ran her hand over the hard, smooth, wood of his casket. It felt cool under her touch, if only she had had the chance to reach out and touch him one last time. She threw her arms on the casket and her cheek rested right where his heart would have been. She tried to hold back the tears telling herself that it was not the time to break down, but that was what funerals were, a chance to say goodbye, to grieve, so she did. Her warm tears slid slowly down her cheeks and onto the casket. She started to cry harder, mourning everything she had lost, everything they had lost together.   
"I don't know how to live with out you," she whispered when her tears had slowed.  
"I expect this to all be a nightmare, it seems so unreal, I never believed that I would have to live without you. I keep hoping that if I pray hard enough I'll wake up tomorrow and you'll be there with me. The only thing that makes me believe that this IS real is the horrible pain I feel in my heart without you." The tears started to fall harder again and she couldn't speak because even breathing hurt to much.  
When she started to speak again her words were punctuated by sobs of despair, "I never got to tell you that I love you, and I do love you and even though I didn't have the chance to say it I hope you knew it somehow. If you were here I know you wouldn't want me to cry, you would want me to be strong but I can't, I just can't, why did you leave me?" she asked but she knew no answer would come.  



	4. The Letter

A/N: Just a quick notice that this story was written before Zander's father, Cameron, was on the show, thus Zander's history is different. Please Review. 

Emily looked out of the window as they drove to the cemetery, it was raining but that was nothing compared to the tears that were still falling from her eyes. She kept going over and over in her mind how she would never see him again…ever. Each memory she had of him was so precious and she wanted to engrave every little detail into her mind so she would never forget, never forget the way he smiled at her, the dimple in his chin, the color of his…the way he said her name. She had to bite her lip for fear that she would just start screaming from the injustice of it all, it just wasn't fair, what had they done to deserve being torn apart like this?   
She watched as they lowered his casket into the ground and the only thought in her head was how she wished she could jump in and be buried with him, she didn't belong here, not with out him, her life would never be full again, it was empty, empty, empty. She fell to the ground, her hands digging into the soft, wet earth, she wanted to scream and cry and pull her hair out all at once, it was so UNFAIR! Hands tried to pull her up, she didn't know whose but she pushed them away, she wanted everyone to leave her alone, they couldn't understand, they could never understand how her heart felt like it was going to burst into a million pieces and tear her apart in the process. How could she live like this, she was being tortured every time she closed her eyes and saw his face. After awhile, when her hands were numb and she was soaked to the bone she made herself stand up and look at his head stone.   
  


Zander Smith  
August 18, 1980-April 19 2001  
He has touched our hearts   
and will always be remembered  
  


She turned to see Alexis and her mother looking worriedly at her, she tried to give them a reassuring smile but she failed miserably. She cleared her throat, trying to push back the tears that were threatening to fall.  
"Alexis, can I go back to your place? I-I just need to be close to him, right now."  
"Sure, I'll drive you," said Alexis pulling her coat closer as a cold wind blew by.  
Emily turned to Monica and closed her eyes when warm comforting arms wrapped around her in a hug. "I'll be home later, thank you so much, for everything."  
As they walked away Emily looked back to see them began shoveling the dirt onto his casket and she knew her heart was buried in there with him.  
  
They got back to the Penthouse and Emily went into his room, she hadn't been there since that first night when she had laid in the bed, miserable. And here she was again even more miserable than before, she'd been in shock then and now she was trying to accept it but still somehow, it seemed like a dream. She sat down on the bed and could almost see him sitting there beside her smiling. She refused again to let her tears fall again, it still wasn't real. If he was really gone the bond they shared would be broken, but she could still feel it, she would always feel it. She peeled off her wet and muddied clothes, she got one of his tee-shirts and slipped it over her head, it still smelled like him. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, drinking in his scent, memorizing it so that she would never forget. She laid back on the bed, her arms wrapped around herself, she wished it was his arms. She looked over at his nightstand where there was a picture of the two of them together smiling. A small drawer was open and she curiously peeked inside. There were a small pile of pictures of them that Alexis had taken at the park. They had used two whole rolls of film and Emily had forgotten all about them until now. It hurt too much to look at them so she sat them aside. Underneath them were two white envelopes. She gently picked them up. One had her name and the other was to Alexis. She felt like she was invading his privacy even though he was gone but the envelope was addressed to her so she opened it with shaking hands:  
_  
Dear Emily  
If you knew I was writing this you would probably tell me not to but I can't leave anything unsaid between us. After the shooting at Christmas and then the incident outside Kelly's I know that nothing is ever for sure. The trial is in a few days and I know that even if Sorel is given the death penalty it won't be over. I've screwed up my life really bad and I just hope it doesn't hurt you. Sorel is going to be furious if he is put away and he'll want revenge and it won't really be over until he gets it.  
When I was shot at Christmas there were those few horrible moments when I didn't know if you were okay and I've never been that scared in my life. And then when I was kidnapped and I thought that I'd be killed, things ran through my head and I didn't want anything to go unsaid. I've wanted to tell you some things but I don't want to move to fast. I know when you were with Juan he pressured you and I don't want to do that so I'm waiting for the right time to tell you how I feel, but if I never get to I want you to know exactly how I feel and I'll tell you in this letter. First of all I hope to God you never have to read this but there are no guarantees on the future and if anyone knows that it's me. If something ever happens to me then I don't want you to keep your feelings bottled up inside, I want you to be happy more than anything in this world. From the first time I saw you I knew how special you were and that you were an amazing woman.   
When I'm with you it's like nothing else matters except that moment that we are together. When I was in jail you were like my salvation, you wouldn't give up and you had enough faith in me for both of us and that's why I'm here today. _   
  
Emily wiped a tear from her cheek, he wasn't there anymore, and he never would be. She looked back at the letter  
  


_You made my life full of so many things I've never had before. When we were on the run I felt this incredible connection to you and when we kissed for the first time I knew it right then that I loved you with everything I had. I might not have many things going for me but I know that I'll always have you. I love you so much and I hope I never disappoint you or let you down. I know that you love me, but I want to wait until the right time, when I have my freedom for sure and I can really be with you.  
If something does happen to me I want you to look after Alexis, I know she tries to hide it but she's really lonely and she needs someone to be there for her. Both of you have believed in me in a way no one else has. During my childhood no one really cared about me and you make up for all of that because when I'm with you it's like your love is such a blessing that all I can do is think about what I have now, not what I didn't have then. Please try to find my mom if something does happens, her name is Jacqueline Smith, I don't know where she lives but if you can find her tell her I'm sorry for leaving, but Emily I don't regret it because so many good things came out of it.  
You are the first girl I've felt this way about and I hope you won't ever forget me. Don't shut people out like I have done in the past. Never forget that you mean everything to me.  
Love you for eternity, Zander  
_

Emily clutched the two page letter to her chest crying harder than she thought possible. Had he known that he was going to die, had some part of him felt it even before it happened? Through tear filled eyes she read the letter again, he loved her and he had known that she loved him, at least he knew. She wiped her eyes with a trembling hand. They had lost so many things, all she could think about was the future that they would never have together. Emily curled up on the bed still clutching the letter to her chest and finally she fell asleep, dreaming about a future that could never be.


	5. Revenge

She woke up a few hours later and looked at the sheets of paper resting beside her. She was angry and someone was going to pay. The empty feeling that had consumed her was now replaced by a burning anger and she needed to quench it or it would burn her up inside. She picked up her black dress that was now mostly dry and put it back on. She had somewhere to go and she was determined to get there no matter what, she had to make the pain go away. She got up and went downstairs, she had Alexis drop her off at home and then she got into one of the family cars and drove off to Pentonville there was one way to stop all of the pain and that was revenge.  
Emily was skittish as she drove down the highway, it was the first time she'd gotten behind the wheel since the accident, but this was the only way she was going to get there, she knew if she asked someone to take her they would undoubtedly say no. She pulled into the spacious parking lot and was glad that she was in time for visitor's hours. She went through the metal detectors and then into the prison that housed the man who had to pay.  
She had no idea what she was doing but a partial plan had formed into her mind at Alexis's. There had to be one prison guard on Sonny's payroll, she simply had to find him, and that was the problem. She saw a guard walking down the corridor and she thought that she'd seen him before talking to Jason, if she played her cards right then maybe he would help her.  
"Can I talk to you in private?" she asked nervously, her hands were shaking, but she had no other choice, this was the only way. He led her to a small room and shut the door.  
"Yes?" he asked, his arms crossed over his chest.  
"I-I'm... uh Emily Q-Quartermaine, my brother is Jason Morgan and I was… I want a favor, please."  
"I can't help you," he said turning around.  
"No wait!" said Emily going to the door and shutting it. "I can prove it," she said pulling out a few pictures of her and Jason. "He works for Sonny Corinthos please I need your help, Sonny sent me over here."  
"He sent you, a little girl? Here?" the guard asked, an amused look on his face.  
All of a sudden Emily wondered if maybe this man wasn't even on Sonny's payroll anymore but she was determined to finish what she had started.   
"Yes, he sent me and he told me to give you this." Emily pulled out eight one hundred dollar bills and handed them to him. "I just need to see Joseph Sorel…alone."  
The man looked at her his eyes dancing. "Okay," he said putting the money in his pocket. "I could lose my job over this. Follow me," he grumbled opening the door and walking down a lone corridor. They had to be buzzed through a few times but no one asked any questions. He led her to a small room, the only furniture a metal table and two chairs, all of which were drilled into the floor, she guessed so that no one could throw anything.   
"I'll be back in awhile," he said leaving.  
Emily waited nervously when Jason and Sonny found out, which she knew that they would, there would be no doubt that they would be furious but she didn't…couldn't…care right now. She needed to face Zander's murder, she needed to look into his eyes and tell him how much she hated him.   
She'd been waiting for half an hour when she heard footsteps coming down the hall. Her stomach twisted into knots as mob-boss Joseph Sorel entered. He looked worried at first but when he saw her he began to laugh and in that moment Emily had never hated anyone more than she hated him at that moment. The prison guard handcuffed his hands to the table and his feet to the chair and then stood outside the cracked door, which put Emily on edge.  
"Ms. Quartermaine isn't it?" Sorel asked his eyes full of laughter. "Why, you're wearing black, the color of mourning, you must have just come from a funeral, let me lend you my condolences. Make yourself comfortable, I do hope that dress isn't to _hot_. We wouldn't like you to feel like you were burning, now would we?" he asked a smirk on his face, his smug, arrogant face.  
Emily looked at him her face was red with anger and she hated him and she wanted him to know it. With all the tired force she could muster she clenched her gauze wrapped hand and swung, her fist connecting with his jaw, but Emily was too angry to feel any pain. Raw hate burned through her and she wanted to see fear in his eyes, she wanted him to suffer and she wanted him to die. She wasn't herself, she knew that much, but who was she without Zander? Sorel was cursing at her but she didn't hear a word that he was saying, there was a roaring in her ears, like she was standing to close to a waterfall.  
"That was a very dangerous move, Ms. Quartermaine; I can guarantee it won't go unrewarded." She heard him say through the roaring.  
"I hope you burn in hell!" spat Emily, no longer feeling, she felt as if she was detached, that this was a bad novel or a play, only one emotion was left, hate and she could feel it burning inside of her.  
"I believe I'll be going there soon, maybe I'll see you boyfriend."  
Something snapped inside of her and she leaned across the table, her hands wrapped around his neck, he deserved to die, he was filth, she hated him and he was going to die.   
"You took him away from me. He had so much to live for, I loved him and he's gone because of you, you did this, it's your fault!" screamed Emily as her mind went numb as she watched him, his face turning red, purple, as he tried to struggle but she squeezed harder using strength she didn't know she had. He was trying to fight her, he dug the handcuffs into his wrist as he tried to grab her wrists and pull her away but his attempts were futile as she pressed harder into his neck as tears ran down her face but she never looked away from him, she wanted to watch the life in his eyes flicker and die.  
Zander's face appeared in her minds eye, this wasn't her, she wasn't like this, and as if suddenly realizing what she was doing her hands dropped from his neck and she backed away from him as Sorel gasped for precious air. She seemed to have as much trouble breathing as he did, what had she done…almost done. It took her a few minutes to calm herself enough to talk.   
"If you try to hurt me, or anyone close to me, ever again then next time I will bring a lighter and we will see who really burns," she said her voice shaking. By now Sonny's guard was standing in the door way. Emily let out a sigh of relief as he led the half conscious Sorel out of the room. A few minutes later the guard came back to lead her out.  
"That took guts," he said admiringly.  
"No it didn't, only hate," she had lost control, she had almost taken a life and she had to wonder, was she really any better than Sorel?  



	6. Six

She drove back to the Mansion, her family was getting ready for dinner but she complained of a headache and went to her bed. She kept seeing Sorel's face and for a moment she wished she had held on longer, watching him struggle to breathe, making him pay for killing Zander, the electric chair was too good for him, he needed to be hurt, he had to feel the same pain she did, the same horrible heart-wrenching pain that engulfed her soul every moment of everyday. Emily threw herself on her bed sobbing, utterly ashamed of herself and what would Zander have thought. 

An hour later she was looking up at the ceiling thinking of Mexico and how they were supposed to go there together when she heard her door open and slam. "What were you thinking, Emily?" asked Jason, "Do you want to get yourself killed, well do you?!"   
"I don't think you'd be happy with that answer," She said her gaze moving back to the ceiling.  
"You have no idea how dangerous what you did was."  
"I'm sorry, I didn't really know what I was doing at the time," She said figuring that guard had blown the whistle on her.  
"Emily, you almost killed him, it wasn't a smart move, he'll retaliate."  
"I don't care anymore, he killed Zander, Jason. You can't tell me that he deserves to live, I have never hated someone so much and if it wasn't for Zander I'd be in jail right now, facing a murder charge."  
"Why didn't you ask for help? Me and Sonny could have done something, what would you have done if that guard wasn't on Sonny's payroll?"  
"I don't know Jason, I just don't know. But since we're playing twenty questions answer me this, what would you do if you had watched Elizabeth being blown up knowing that if you would have done one tiny thing different it wouldn't have happened. Zander understands-understood me. Sorel should pay," She said wiping at the tears.  
"Emily, I'm sorry," Said Jason putting an arm around her. "But don't do anything like that again."  
"I won't, I promise." 

The next day Emily went back to Alexis'. No one was there so she let herself in. She walked up to the familiar room and sat down on the bed. She had been there a few minutes when the phone beside his bed rang. She picked up the receiver and put it to her ear.  
"Hello?" asked Emily.  
"Is Zander there?" asked a woman's voice.  
Tears entered Emily's eyes. "Umm, he's gone, and he won't be back."  
"Damn, he was supposed to meet me today."  
"Meet you?" asked Emily surprised.  
"Yeah, we had an arrangement."  
"What kind of arrangement?" asked Emily perplexed.  
"He ordered something from my shop and he was supposed to come pay on them today." Emily let out a quiet sigh of relief, not that Zander would ever do anything to hurt her, she knew that. "I-I can come down and pay for what ever her ordered."  
"Okay, Darla's Jewelry on Elm street."  
"Oh, alright, I'll be there soon."  



	7. Seven

Emily grabbed her purse and got in her car as she drove to the jewelry shop. She wondered what Zander could have ordered. She got there and walked up to the middle-aged woman at the counter. "I'm here to pick up the thing Zander Smith ordered."   
"Yes, we spoke on the phone. Did Zander skip town?"  
"N-no," said Emily trying to keep the tears in. "He was in an accident…he's dead," Said Emily the last part in a whisper.  
"Damn, are you his girlfriend, Emily."  
Emily nodded.  
"He talked about you a lot, he came in here about once a week to make a payment, he was a good kid."  
Emily smiled at the woman. "Yeah, he was. How much does he owe you?"  
"Five hundred."  
Emily dug through her purse wondering why Zander was spending so much money here. She only had twenty dollars left after the night before so she pulled out her emergency credit card. "If you want cash I can bring it tomorrow."   
"No that's alright." The woman scanned the credit card and handed Emily a receipt.  
Emily looked it over. "Wait, this only says two hundred. I thought it was five."  
"Zander already paid about 100 dollars so far and he was a special guy, so I'm giving you my special discount. I'll go get the rings." She said heading to the back.  
Emily waited and wondered about the 'rings'. A few minutes later the woman came back with a long ring box. "He told me these were for you. I'm really sorry, about what happened. He really cared a lot about you by the way he talked."  
"Thank you." Said Emily holding the box to her chest as she walked back to the car. She got in sat down and opened the box.  
Inside were three rings, two golden bands and one ring with a small heart shaped diamond, an engagement ring. 

Emily burst into tears as she layed her head against the steering wheel. He had wanted to marry her, he loved her that much. After her sobs quieted she sat up again and looked at the box. She gently took the engagement ring and held it between her fingers. "Oh Zander…I would have married you, I could have been Emily Smith. I promise to you that I will wear these rings to always remind me how much we meant to each other and even though you're gone I'll still love you." She said wiping tears from her face. She slowly put her rings on her left ring finger. The only one left was Zander's wedding band. She unclasped a gold chain she was wearing and held the band in her hand feeling the smoothness of it. She then put it on the chain and clasped it. The ring dangled close to her heart.   
She wiped her eyes and then drove back to Kelly's she felt marginally hungry and decided to get something small to eat. She walked in and Liz, Lucky, Nikolas and Gia were all clustered around the counter. Emily snuck up behind Nikolas and listened.  
"We have to do something to get her mind off of him, he ruined her life when he was here and now the effect is still lasting, we need to make her forget about him." Said Lucky.  
"Why don't we take her on a vacation, maybe Europe, we can catch up with Juan while he's on tour, maybe she'll get over him." Offered Nikolas.  
"I-I don't know, I remember how I felt when I thought you had died, Lucky, no one could have made me forget you, she doesn't need us to make her forget, she needs us to help her get through it, to just support her and let her know we're here for her."  
"I, for once, agree with Elizabeth, I may not know Emily very well but from the way she stood up for Zander and her words at his funeral service I would say that if she even thought we were trying to get her to forget Zander then she'd blast us and we wouldn't be her friends anymore."  
"Wow Gia, thanks for remembering Zander's name. I was beginning to wonder who 'he and him' were. Now, number one Lucky, I don't plan on getting over Zander anytime soon and if I ever hear you say anything negative about him in my hearing range then we are no longer friends. And Nikolas, I refuse to go off and find Juan, just because I don't have Zander anymore does not mean I need Juan as a crutch. I am fine. Elizabeth, Gia, I thank you for sticking up for me. Now, I would like an order of fries and a chocolate milkshake." Said Emily sitting next to Gia and smiling.  
"Sure, Em." Said Elizabeth going in the back.  
"How are you doing?" asked Gia.  
"I'm okay. I miss him, a lot, but right now I'm concentrating on finding his mother."  
"Look, Emily. I'm sorry I didn't get to know him better. You had a point about none of us really knowing him and I am sorry."  
"Thanks, Gia." Said Emily surprised, the last person she ever expected to be truly sorry, was.  
"Anytime, if you need help finding his mother, my brother might be able to help you."  
"No that's okay." Said Emily excepting her food. "Thanks Elizabeth." Said Emily as she started to eat with a passion, she hadn't eaten more than two full meals the whole time Zander was gone and now her hunger had caught up with her.  
"Em, those are so beautiful." Said Elizabeth noticing her hand.  
"That looks like a wedding band, where'd you get it? Some guy we don't know about?" asked Lucky.  
"No," said Emily slowly. "They're from Zander, he had wanted to propose to me but he…he never got the chance, I miss him so much."  



	8. Eight

Zander Smith layed on a small cot thinking about Emily. As soon as Emily had went inside of the gas station he was pulled from the car and stuffed in the trunk of a car before he heard the loud sound of an explosion. He prayed over and over that she was safe and still inside the gas station when the car blew up. Zander had been here for a long time. A man, one of Sorel's men came to beat the crap out of him daily and he had counted how many times he had seen the man 15 times, could it really be that long, 15 days he had been here? He knew they were slowly trying to kill him, he had, God knew, how many broken ribs, his arm hurt when he so much as breathed, his eye was swollen shut and his hand had been burned repeatedly with a lit cigarette. He had a fever most of the time and hadn't bathed the whole time. He had a pot to go to the bathroom in and one cup of water a day, he was in a living hell. He laid on his cot and imagined Emily was there, laying beside him and talking to him, he often talked back even though he knew no one was there. They fed him 'food' if you could call it that, they wee mostly scraps of already eaten food and it disgusted him, he was nothing more than an animal to them. He had been planning his escape for days now, as much as he knew there was only three men in the building they were keeping him in and today was the day, he was going to get out, he had to see Emily, she had to be alive, because if she wasn't he had no reason to live.   
Zander painstakingly stood up and hid behind the door waiting to ambush his captors.He hoped to god he would be home, with Emily, soon. 

He'd been dead for fifteen days, she looked at her watch, three hours and ten minutes. She grabbed the wedding band around her neck as she looked out of the airplane window. She had located Zander's mother in Chicago and that's where she was going. She had only talked to the woman once, asking her if she had a son named Alexander Smith who had left home and she had said yes. Emily informed the woman that she had something to tell her and jumped on the first flight to Chicago, she watched as the plane descended. She got out of the plane and waited for someone who looked like she could be Zander's Mother, she didn't see anyone. Finally she saw a woman standing next to a limousine asking female passerby's if they were Emily Quartermaine. 'That can't possibly be his mother.' She said to herself a she looked at the blonde haired and blue eyed woman. Emily stopped as she came up to her. "Are you Emily Quartermaine?" she asked anxiously.   
"Yes, Ms. Smith?"   
"Yes, that's me. Let's get home so we can talk."   
Emily sat in silence with the other woman. She had yet to tell her that Zander was…gone and she dreaded it but Zander had wanted her to do this so it was exactly what she was going to do.   
They stopped at a large mansion and the driver helped them out of the car. Emily followed Zander's mother into the large house and into the living room. On the mantel she saw a picture of a younger Zander and she burst out crying. Before she knew it she was sitting on the sofa with Ms. Smith's arm around her.   
"I'm sorry." Whispered Emily trying to control herself.   
She looked in to Ms. Smith's eyes and could see the worry in them.   
"Tell me, please, what has happened to Alex?"   
'Alex, that doesn't seem to suit him,' thought Emily through a haze of tears. "He…he's…" Emily couldn't find a gentle way to say it. "he was in an accident and he uh he…he didn't make it." Said she softly.   
She watched as Ms. Smith buried her head in her hands and started to sob. Emily put he arms around her and they cried together, they had only known each other for an amount of twenty minutes but they had a common bond, a common grief.   
After awhile the crying stopped and they wiped their tears. "Are you his wife?"   
The question shocked Emily, and then she realized Ms. Smith was looking at the rings.   
"No, well I mean, I might have been. I think he was planning to ask me, these are some rings he purchased. I love...loved him very much, Ms. Smith."   
"Call me Jackie. How did you two meet. I want to know everything about him." She said wiping at her nose.   
Emily hesitantly gave her the whole story making sure his mother believed that Zander had only dealt drugs for money and that he was the most important thing in her life. She described the funeral and the headstone and Jackie thanked her for what she did for him.   
"I have some pictures and some stuff of his I want you to have." Said Emily unzipping her backpack. She pulled out an envelope of the pictures from the park that Alexis had taken for them. She then pulled out the watch that Alexis had given him and then his wallet.   
Jackie opened the envelope of pictures and put her hand over her mouth as she saw him smiling for the camera. She carefully studied the one's where Emily and Zander were together and kissing. "He looks so happy with you, happier than I'd ever seen him. He looks so handsome and grown-up. Is this your mother?" she asked pointing to a picture with Alexis and Zander.   
"No, that's his lawyer, Alexis, she's more like his friend though, she let him stay with her." Jackie looked through the rest of the pictures and sat them on the coffee table.   
"I'm so glad you were there for my son, Emily. I hadn't seen him in two years but it means everything to me that he was happy. He was adopted you know?"   
"No I didn't know, he never told me. I was adopted too, my birth mother died of cancer awhile back and she left me to a woman she had met during her cancer treatments, that's how I ended up in Port Charles."   
"Zander didn't know he was adopted, I never told him, I ruined his life, after he was adopted, when he was a baby, my husband left me with nothing and since then it was a series of bad relationships, Zander tried when he was older to make me see I deserved better and finally he just left. Just last year I found out my parents, who I hadn't spoken to in twenty years had died and left me everything and that's how I got here today, I've hired at least five private detectives to look for him but they came back empty handed." She collapsed into tears again.   
"I'm sorry." Said Emily putting her arm around this woman who shared her grief more than anyone. "I'm so sorry." 


	9. Nine

His heart was beating in his ears but he had to find a way to her, to Emily, to make sure that she was okay...and alive. He couldn't bare the thought of losing her, she was the one thing that had made his life worth something, made him worth something. The door slowly opened and Zander held his breath and then attacked. His fists found their target as he fought with all he was worth, for himself...for Emily, but he was no match for the gun that was pointed at him, and fired.   
He looked in surprise at the second man who entered his room, this wasn't right, there was only suppost to be one man, not two, he should be free now. He felt warm moisture running down his arm and with a detached kind of shock he realized that he had been shot in the shoulder. He clutched his stomach as the first man recovered from the surprise and kicked him, hard. Zander collapsed on the floor, fervently praying that this wasn't the end of his life, that he'd survive, but as his vision got foggy and everything started to go black he didn't believe he'd be around long enough to take another breath. 

"There was this one time he climbed in my window and brought me grape pixistix, I thought for sure that my mom and dad were going to find him," said Emily laughing. "And then there was the time he kidnapped me from boarding school. I had the time of my life. We made plans to go to Mexico on the ride home," she said suddenly wishing that she hadn't brought it up, it hurt to much, way to much to think about.   
"It sounds like he loved you very much. Thank you for telling me all of this, Emily. I didn't realize how late it was. Let me show you to a guest bedroom." Said Jackie standing up.   
Emily got up and followed her to a spare room. She sat down her small backpack and climbed into bed exhausted. Zander's mom was so nice, and Emily found her telling her everything about her and Zander, it was good to remember, but it hurt so damn much. She got into the bed and turned out the lamp.   
It was funny, sometimes she felt like Zander was alive and he'd come rushing into the room any minute and sweep her up into his arms and they'd live happily ever after, like a fairytale. She closed her eyes and pictured him in her mind. There wasn't a guy on earth more handsome, she loved that smile and how he seemed rough on the outside but his heart, it was so pure. She opened her eyes and stared off into the darkness. "Zander, I miss you," she said out loud in a whisper.   
"I like your mom, I don't want to go home without you there waiting for me, I just miss you too much, I love you," she whispered into the darkness.   
She layed there trying to sleep but she couldn't, she needed to be with Zander, where ever he was. 

Zander opened his eyes, he was laying on the floor and all he could see was red. He sat up and grabbed his shoulder with a groan of pain. The floor was covered with blood, his blood. He couldn't move, his body felt like it was on fire.   
"You're awake I see," said a voice from behind him.   
He slowly turned around to see the second man, the one that had shot him.   
"They call me Wolf," the man said with a smile, and Zander could see why, his smile looked like that of a hungry animals.   
"That was a very dangerous thing you tried, dangerous and stupid, and now we're going to let you die for it."   
"Why?" asked Zander, his throat dry and aching for water.   
"Simply because we can. I'm sure that wound is going to get infected, if it's not already, I bet soon it will eat at your arm until you feel like tearing your arm off with your own teeth, then the infection will travel and....well I guess you get the point. Not the best way to die, I'm sure, but I think it's positively entertaining. Well, I must be going. Have a nice day," he said getting up and leaving.   
Zander layed back on the floor, he didn't have the strength to move so he layed there thinking about Emily, and how he'd soon be dead. 


	10. Ten

** One year later...**   
Emily walked along the pier, her hand around the ring hanging from her chain. Everyday after her classes she walked along the pier thinking of him. Everyday that she walked over the worn wooden planks she was afraid that she would forget the color of his eyes, his crooked smile, the cleft in his chin, the way he smelled, she had pictures that she couldn't look at, letters that she couldn't read, she felt like she was cheating if she looked at his picture because she should be able to remember with out help. She dreaded the day that she didn't think of him at all, that would be the day that she hated herself, because he was meant to be remembered by someone. But sometimes it was so hard. She looked out over the gray water that mirrored the grey sky above. It was mid-autumn and the cold wind washed over her, it was soon followed by even colder rain drops, she decided to get back to Kelly's before she was caught in the downpour , she turned around and ran smack into someone. He steadied her so she didn't fall but her books weren't so lucky and they crashed to the ground.   
When Emily saw who it was she smiled. "Hi Johnny."   
"Hello, Ms. Quartermaine, let me help you," he said bending down and helping her with her books.   
"Thanks," she said as he handed her the last book. "You aren't following me are you?" she asked, suspiciously raising an eyebrow, Jason was going to have some explaining to do.   
"No, I'm off duty, would you like me to accompany you home?"   
"No, thanks." As she completed her sentence it started to pour down rain and within seconds she was drenched.   
"My apartment is right down the street,my car's there, I can take you home."   
Emily wiped water from her face, the last thing she needed was a cold, and she trusted Johnny. "Sure, thanks."   
They walked to his apartment complex and into the parking garage, in the few short minutes it had taken them to get there the storm had intensified tenfold. Lightening flashed across the sky followed by crashing thunder. Johnny opened the passenger door for her and then he got in and started the car but nothing happened. He tried again, there was a rumble, a cough, and then it died. "Sonny's always telling me to get a new car," he smiled sheepishly. "Anyway you can call a taxi upstairs."   
"That's okay, I have my cell," she said pulling it out and dialing the PC cab company's number, only to get a message about interference from the weather.   
She put it back in her pocket, "I couldn't get through."   
"We can wait in my apartment until it clears up." 

Emily walked into Johnny's apartment and she couldn't believe he lived there because it looked so...unlived in. There was a couch in the main room that looked brand new, a coffee table with nothing on it, no TV was in sight and the only form of entertainment she could see was a little radio off in the corner. 'He must dedicate a lot of his time working for Sonny,' Emily thought as she walked in.   
"Make yourself at home, Ms. Quartermaine," he said gesturing to the couch. Johnny left the room for a minute and came back with two towels, giving her one. She wiped her face, her arms and then wrapped the towel around her dripping hair.   
"Thanks."   
"You're welcome, Ms. Quartermaine."   
"Emily."   
"What?" he asked turning around.   
"I prefer to be called Emily, if you don't mind."   
"Of course."   
"So how long have you worked for Sonny?" she asked taking off her wet shoes and socks. "About seven years," he said sitting down on the opposite side of the couch.   
Johnny reminded her of Jason in some ways, but where Jason was more cold and detached it seemed like Johnny was just serious, but she had a feeling that he hadn't always been that way. "So..." she let the word drift in the air, it seemed kind of hard to carry on a conversation with someone she'd known for a long time but never really talked to, she didn't know anything about him, except he was dedicated, loyal, and respectful.   
"How are you today?" as soon as the question left Johnny's lips he wanted to kick himself, could he have sounded anymore uncomfortable, he wasn't use to small talk and besides the other guards it seemed like he hadn't carried on a conversation with anyone in years.   
"Well, in class today my sociology professor kept going on and on forever, I mean I know it's his job but he speaks in this like monotone that makes you really sleepy. So there he is with half of his class asleep but he keeps talking, almost like he's talking to himself, you think that he could stop to take a breath every few minutes, I think he might be related to Alexis."   
Johnny smiled, he'd known Emily for a long time and she had away of turning situations around, she seemed the exact opposite of Jason, she was trusting and feeling, and she had a beautiful smile, one that he hadn't seen very often since her boyfriend Zander died. She had seemed so sad and lost, especially that first month, he really felt for her. It was hard losing the one you loved, even he knew that.   
"Anyway, it looks like it's really coming down out there, huh?" she said turning and looking out of the window, just as a flash of lightening streaked the sky and the lights flickered and went out.   
"Great," Emily muttered in the darkness 


	11. Eleven

After the lights went out Johnny found a box of candles in the bottom drawer in the kitchen, the pink and rose scented, Jennifer's, he thought he had erased all traces of her, it was to painful to remember her. He sighed and took the candles into the living room and lighting them, sat them on the coffee table. He looked over at Emily who was sitting on the other end of the couch with her knees drawn up, he realized she was still wet from the rain.   
"I have some clothes you can borrow, it looks like we might be stuck here for awhile."   
"Sure, thanks."   
Emily slipped into the sweat pants that were too big, luckily she had a belt with her, after the pants were secure around her waist she put on the sweat shirt, it was big but warm and dry. She went back into the living room where Johnny was sitting, his eyes closed, listening to the rain. She sat down next to him and pulled one of the blankets he'd sat on the coffee table over herself. She loved listening to the rain and hearing it fall on the roof and against windows. Now she hated it, it tried to lull her to sleep but she resisted it, she hadn't had a long deep sleep in a year, and that was good, she wanted it that way. She had moved back into Kelly's and was pursuing a law degree, so she always had something to do. She took more classes than she could handle simply because to pass them all she had to get all of her work done and study for exams, so there was no time to think about other things, things that hurt to much. Every spare minute she wasn't studying she worked at Kelly's, she considered it a good day if she could fall into bed exhausted and slip into sleep in a matter of minutes. If she was busy there wasn't time to think and if she was exhausted then she wouldn't dream, so she wouldn't feel that pain, she wouldn't think about the past or her future with out him. When she walked on the dock all she thought of was his face, not what she could have changed or how their future would have been so happy, just his face.   
The soft rumble of thunder and the rhythmic sounds of the rain finally won out and she closed her eyes, and dreamed.   
A part of her knew that she should wake up but she couldn't. She was back outside the gas station, before everything had happened. 

"I'll come with you," he said smiling and she leaned through the window and kissed him.   
"Don't worry, I'll be right back, what do you want to drink?"   
"Mountain Dew please," he said giving her that crooked smile.   
She smiled back and walked towards the gas station, she heard him whistle suggestively as he watched her walk away and she turned around and blew him a kiss.   
'Go back! Make him come with you!!' Emily screamed as she watched the scene play out before her eyes.   
She went into the gas station and got their drinks and then she went up to the counter to pay for them. Emily watched in horror as the gas station shuddered and trembled as the explosion happened outside, she saw the fire consume the car and she screamed until she was hoarse wondering why she hadn't let him go with her. She screamed and she screamed and she didn't ever think she'd stop. 

Johnny woke up with a start and instictively reached for his gun as she began to scream, but as his eyes pierced through the darkness he realized there was no one to shoot. He reached over and gently shook her, whispering her name, trying to calm her down. Her screams stopped and turned into heart wrenching sobs as she clutched his shirt whispering Zander's name. He was at a loss of what to do, it had been a long time since someone had needed him like this, and he tried his best to comfort her. "It's okay," he whispered over and over again as he held her. 

Emily snuggled closer to Zander, it was amazingly wonderful to fall asleep in his arms, safe and protected from the world. Hearing his heart beat as she was cradled against his chest, she smiled content to lay there, nothing else mattered.   
"I love you Zander," she said sleepily as she looked up, expecting to see his strong jaw line and his hazel eyes staring down at her. Her heart dropped down into her stomach as she realized he wasn't Zander, he had been dead over a year and he was never going to hold her again. She gently got up, trying not to wake Johnny. Bright sunlight flooded the small room and she walked to the window looking out over the sleepy town of Port Charles. Sometimes she hated to wake up, especially the times when she forgot, she'd wake up and reach for the phone ready to call him and tell him good morning, or she'd wake up reminding herself she had to think of a Christmas present to get him, she felt stupid afterwards, stupid and incredibly lonely.   
She had to get to Kelly's and get ready for her shift. She went towards the bathroom hoping to get dressed and leave before Johnny woke up but she was to late, she must not have been as quiet as she had originally thought.   
"Are you okay?" he asked standing up, his concern for her evident on his face.   
She nodded, it was bad enough having a nightmare, but having someone witness it was humiliating. She remembered the nightmare, she had pushed it to the back of her mind but it was the worst one she'd had in a long time, and she was glad there had been someone there. "It happens sometimes, you know. I'm fine though, my clothes are dry by now so I'll just leave," she said giving him a smile, trying to convince him as well as herself that she was fine.   
"Emily."   
"Yes?"   
"Maybe you should try to talk to someone, it might help."   
"Talk about what? I'm fine, thanks for letting me stay, I'd better go get ready," she said ducking into the bathroom before he could say anything. After she had met and talked to Zander's mother she had thought she was going to be okay, she had been able to share wonderful memories of him, but when she got back to Port Charles she didn't want to share her memories because it hurt too much, trying not to let the past consume her she talked about him less and less and all of her feelings and emotions became a festering wound, but she still hid from it, she wasn't ready to confront the memories and she thought she never would be, but the nightmares and the feelings were her punishment for letting him die so she accepted it and refused to talk to anyone about the inner turmoil that was her soul.   
Emily got dressed and then walked back into the living room, Johnny was no where to be found and Emily decided that was for the best so she sat the clothes he had let her borrow on the coffee table and she left, going through her schedule in her head making sure she would have enough to do until she was so tired she could barely stand, that was, after all, the only way she could survive. 


	12. Twelve

There were puddles of water on the sidewalk as she walked to Kelly's. It seemed so peaceful here, it was around seven and the city was just starting to wake up as the sun began to rise. Emily jumped into one of the bigger puddles and laughed as her pants were splashed with water and mud, what did she care if she got dirty? It didn't really matter. She got home, sat her books on the desk and flopped onto her bed and sighed, if life was always going to be like this she wasn't sure that she could handle it. She rolled over and turned on the tv, what she saw grabbed her attention so she turned the volume up and listened in horror:   
"Infamous, convicted, mob boss Joseph Sorel was reported missing last night from his cell in a maximum security prison in upstate New York. Sorel was convicted on numerous crimes a year ago, murder and drug-trafficking among them, and sentenced to death. Sorel is known for his on going feud with suspecte rival mob boss, Michael "Sonny" Corinthos and is considered armed and extremely dangerous.  
"Sorel was admitted to the prison infirmary late last week and thought to have a serious heart condition. Last night the power generators at the prison were mysteriously turned off and a prison riot developed, during this appearant confusion somehow Sorel managed to escape, the details of this case are still being collected but we will keep you updated as the investigation progresses." 

Emily dropped the remote, how was this possible, how could he be free?  
There was a knock at the door and she froze in fear.   
"Emily, it's Jason, open up. Are you in there?"  
Emily breathed a sigh of relief and ran a shaky hand through her hair, if Jason was home everything was going to be okay. She opened the door and gave him a hug, she hadn't seen him in months and he was horrible at writing to let her know he was okay. "Jase, I'm so glad that you're home. You're here because of Sorel, you have got to find him."  
"That's what I plan on doing but first we have to get you out of here, grab some clothes and anything else you need."  
"Jason, I'm not going anywhere, I have school, work, I have a life and I'll be damned if I'm going to pack up and leave because of him, he's taken enough away from me."  
"Emily, this isn't the time to argue. I gaurantee that Sorel hasn't forgotten what you did to him, you humiliated him, first of all you're a woman and you're my sister, he holds grudges, you might not be on the top of his revenge list but you're still on it."  
"I'm staying, I can handle myself."  
"Emily, you aren't listening! Sonny's organization is in trouble, we believe one of our own helped Sorel escape, and even if that's not the case if Sorel comes back to power some of our people will turn on us and I can't handle that and worry about you at the same time. Please, I can't promise you this will be over anytime soon but do this for me."  
Emily sighed, she knew if she stayed and something happened to her Jason would never forgive himself. "Okay, I'll go, give me half an hour to get all of my stuff in order." 

Emily jumped in the shower and then got dressed. She e-mailed her proffesors, she knew that they couldn't e-mail her work because it could be traced to easily so she printed their itineraries for the next few weeksand then she packed all of her school books, at least she wouldn't be too far behind. She called Bobbie and told her that she wouldn't be into work and that she was really sorry and then she called her mother and left her a message saying that she was taking a vacation, she didn't want her to worry. With all of that taken care of she got her suitcases and headed downstairs where four men and Jason waited for her. She got in a car and wondered where she was going to be spending the next week, maybe more. 

It seemed like they switched cars a million times but finally they got to an airport, one in Maine. Then they bordered a jet and took off, Emily sighed, it didn't look like she would be staying in the U.S. That wasn't a good sign, she had been hoping for a little apartment a few states away but it seemed that Jason had something else in mind. She opened up her backpack and pulled out a book she had begun to read in the car, "Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen, this was the perfect book to keep her mind occupied for awhile, unfortunately it didn't. After an hour she looked out the window for a while, they were flying over the ocean and it looked beautiful, for a little while she just watched the sun dance on the waves. That got boring after a while so she looked over at Jason who was dozing, she had wanted to ask him about where he had been the last couple months, she loved hearing about exotic locations, and Jason had been everywhere, from Germany to South America. Emily laid her heard back and looked up at the ceiling, she hoped the whole trip wasn't going to be this boring or she would loose her mind. She wondered where exactly they were going anyway, it didn't really matter, hopefully she wouldn't be there very long. She began to twist the engagement ring on her finger, she did it whenever she was nervous or thinking. Three years ago today Zander had kidnapped her from the Rave and they'd gone speeding off together, she had been so scared but despite everything she had begun to trust Zander during that time, to care for him, he had been her friend, if they could all just go back to that time, it would have been so easy to fall into the past at that moment but Emily wouldn't let herself, she knew she'd get lost in the memories and she'd feel the gigantic hole in her heart even more if she thought about the past, what they had lost together. So she picked the book back up and concentrated on each word until the past was driven out of her head. 


	13. Thirteen

Finally, after hours, the plane began to descend and they landed. Emily got off the plane and blanched, wherever they were it was hot, very hot, and she cursed herself for only packing her autumn wear…she'd been in such a hurry she hadn't really thought about the fact that he would take her to one of Sonny's islands. The heat made her long sleeved shirt stick to her skin. Jason led her over to two old, shabby looking cars that Emily doubted held the much needed gift of an air conditioner, unfortunately she was right. Jason and another body guard got into the car with her while the other two got in the other car. As they started to drive Emily thought this whole thing was starting to feel like a bad movie, she didn't want to be in paradise, she wanted to be home, where the leaves were brilliant colors of orange and red, where she had things to do, not in this place that was hot and humid. To keep her mind off of the sweltering heat she studied the landscape and decided it wasn't so bad after all. There were trees a vibrant shade of green and all different kinds of colorful flowers she'd never seen before but she could smell their fragrant perfume as they drove along a dirt road. As they drove she saw a town way off in the distance but for the most part there was no sign of civilization. Finally they stopped and Emily looked out before her at a brilliant blue ocean with dazzling rays of sunlight bouncing off of its calm surface, it was absolutely breathtaking. She could happily stay there forever just looking at the ocean. She looked around and hidden by a grove of trees was a beautiful villa and Emily decided paradise wasn't that bad after all.   
"Jase, is this where I'm staying?"  
"Yeah, do you like it?"  
Emily was speechless, she followed him up the stairs to the door and was even more impressed by the interior, a breeze was coming off the ocean, making the translucent white curtains sway gently.  
"I love it."  
"Monica and Alan told me how hard you've been working lately so I thought this would be a good place for you to relax and take a break."  
Emily walked over to the balcony and breathed in the ocean air, "This place is really beautiful Jase, thanks."  
"Now for the rules—,"  
Emily groaned, "I knew this was to good to be true," she said jokingly with a smile and Jason smiled back.  
"You take a body guard with you at all times, even if you only plan on being outside for a few minutes you have to notify someone, no exceptions. You can go to the beach or take walks, no more than two miles any way out. No trying to go to that town we saw a little while back, if you need something ask a guard and it will be taken care of. No phone calls, no letters and please listen to your guards."  
Emily nodded, "I will, I promise…be safe, Jason. I'll never forgive you if anything happens to you."  
"I'll be fine, try not to worry too much."  
"I'll worry quite a bit thank you very much," she said giving him a hug. "Now get back to Port Charles and do whatever you do."   
Emily watched Jason drive away and then she looked around, the place was pretty big. Emily noticed her four body guards as they stationed themselves around the villa. She knew three of the four of them and that surprised her, maybe she was in more danger than she had thought if Sonny and Jason were having long-time employees protect her, but it also made her feel a little more safer. She walked through the kitchen and dining room into the living room and she was disappointed to see that there was no T.V., not that she would be able to understand the language it was in. Her room was large and thankfully the dresser was stocked with summer clothes, she wasted no time in getting out of her sweater and into a tank top. Down the hall from her room there was a large library so she figured she wouldn't be completely bored out of her mind. The last edition to their household was a housekeeper that cleaned and cooked for her and the guards, unfortunately she didn't speak English so Emily was denied female companionship. That day she took her lunch on the balcony overlooking the ocean and later did the same with dinner and she wasn't happy. At first she had liked it here but now it was driving her crazy, she had _nothing_ to do. She should be at Kelly's busing tables not relaxing with nothing to entertain her but the ocean…it was going to be a very long stay.  
  
Emily had been at the villa for a few days when one of the guards got sick, Emily looked after him even though he wasn't deathly ill, it just gave her something to do. The last few days she had begun to run out of things to do so she had started cleaning the house, much to the housekeeper's annoyance, when the villa was spotless she spent several hours at the beach building a sandcastle that had ended up being swept away by the tide, her life was so boring. On their fifth day at the villa they got a visitor and Emily feverently hoped it was Jason come to tell her she could go home so she was more than a little disappointed when Johnny got out of the car.  
"Hello, Miss Quartermaine," he said giving her a smile.  
"Hi Johnny, why are you here? Is there any news about Jason?"  
"The last I saw him he was fine, I just came to replace Eddie, Sonny wants him to go back to Port Charles."  
"Oh," she said thoughtfully. Having Johnny there wasn't so bad after all, maybe she could entice him to talk to her, the other guards, for the most part, ignored her.  
"Welcome to paradise," she said with a smile as she led him up the stairs.  
  
A/N: I know, boring chapter, but don't worry, more excitment is coming soon. 


End file.
